The Adventures of Snopps and PercyMothership Zeta
by Jessmaster14
Summary: Follow our not-so-super heroes Snopps and Percy as they attempt to...Escape From Mothership Zeta!
1. Alien HoopaJoop

Now, as you may (or may not) know, The Adventures of Snopps and Percy are, and always will be, restricted to the main quest. That's just how it's gonna be. But then, I got to thinking. I have some ideas for them in the expansions, why not write about that? So, I decided that, in addition to my main story, I will be writing a series of short stories detailing Snopps' and Percy's adventures in the expansions.

And so, for the first time ever: The Adventures of Snopps and Percy, Escape from Mother ship Zeta

Fallout 3 is owned by Bethesda.

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Snoppolopigus Foofypants 3rd walked over the harsh, unforgiving terrain of the wasteland, holding his Pipboy 3000A in front of him.

"And where are we going again?" asked Percival, a Ripper implanted with an A.I. that Snopps had taken from Moira, of Craterside Supply.

"For the last time, Percy, I'm investigating this strange signal that's been broadcasted throughout the wasteland!" What followed were several moments of silence as our two heroes listened to the ominous broadcast. "I can't make any of this out; it just sounds like gibberish to me."

""Hey, half the stuff you say sounds like gibberish to me, but I still manage to get the gist of what you say! Ahahahahaha!"

"Shut up or I'll beat you with a small child!"

******************

Several minutes later, the signal seemed to get louder. Snopps quickly climbed to the rim of a crater, and looked in on it.

"Look! It's some sort of alien hoop-a-joop!"

"An alien what?" asked Percy.

But Snopps was given no time to explain, as, suddenly, a bright blue beam erupted from the sky, sucking up both Snopps and Percy.

"Aw hell naw! They did not just abduct me!" said Snopps, talking through his nose.

"Uh-uh, girlfriend" replied Percy

"Oh, somebody's about to get their ass whooped!"

Rising higher into the sky, Snopps was drawn up into the huge, ominous-looking alien ship.

******************

Brief, disjointed images flashed in front of Snopps. He saw some strange, green aliens looking over him. Then, he saw the same group of aliens gathered around a sombrero. They appeared to be dancing to some Mariachi music. Snopps blacked out. Waking up briefly, he saw another group of aliens, this time wearing kilts. One of them was playing "Scotland the Brave" on a bagpipe. Before he could come up with a hilarious observation, he blacked out again.

Snopps opened his eyes. He saw a blurry image of some alien's looking at him. Suddenly, some sort of mechanical-arm-looking thing popped up. It came closer and closer, and Snopps blacked out for the final time.

******************

"Hey, wake up!" Snopps heard a voice.

"Shut up, Imma trying to get mah sleep on!" mumbled Snopps sleepily, punching the annoying voice.

"Hey, wake up jerkass!" yelled a familiar voice. Very familiar…

"Percy!?" asked Snopps, bolting awake.

"No, it's his brother, Jerry, I just happened to be on an alien sh-of course it's me! Are you trying to fill your daily quota of stupid questions, or somethin!?" yelled Percy.

Snopps took a moment to look around the room. He appeared to be in some sort of alien holding cell. Or, a closet. Snopps couldn't tell which, although the closet idea would explain why there were mops and cleaning supplies in the alien holding cell…

"What the hell did you hit me for?" demanded the voice from earlier.

"Cause, you were interrupting mah beauty sleep!" Snopps replied.

Snopps looked at his cell mate for the first time. She was an African-American woman, probably in her early 30s. Only about a 4 or 5. Snopps dismissed her as unimportant.

"Well, I guess you're my new cell mate." she said, "Huh, they must have really liked you, at least they let me keep my clothes."

Snoops looked down. He was dressed only in some boxers and a light undershirt.

"Yeah, they must have been performing some weird experiments on you! Of course, "experiments", may be too strong of a word, considering they spent most of their time trying to figure out why you don't have a brain like the rest of the humans. Hahahahahah!" said Percy, laughing.

"Wait, if they took all my stuff, then why didn't they take you, Percy?"

"Eh, the writer's lazy"

"Works for me. Now, to get out of this cell…" mused Snopps.

"If escaping is what you're after, then you were lucky to have me as a cell mate. I think I have a plan to escape." Said the girl that Snopps had never bothered to learn her name.

"Excuse me, but women aren't allowed to talk when I'm in the room, m'kay?" said Snopps. The woman merely rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Alright, let's see, let's see. Maybe if I-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH" screamed Snopps after receiving a huge shock from the control panel he was messing with.

"Ok, ok, let's keep the ball rolling, maybe if I-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" yelled Snopps again.

"Damn control panel! Ok, maybe if I try-AAAHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHHAAA!" hollered Snopps, falling to the ground.

"Fuck it, what's your idea?" asked Snopps, covered in ash, and with a small smoke cloud coming off him.

"Well, I was thinking-"

"Yeah, I'm bored already." Said Snopps, walking away, " Don't worry, I'll figure it out, after all, I am the LONE WANDERER!" the words "Lone Wanderer" were accompanied by a random choir. The woman looked around, more than a little spooked.

After several more attempts (and several more sever burns and shocks) Snopps gave up on it, and turned to his only resource left available.

"I never thought I would say this, but, I need your help."

"Look, I'll help you, but only because I need your help to get out of this cell" the woman answered.

"I don't care why you do it, just do it!" Snopps replied.

"Alright, the way I see it, they need us alive for…whatever the hell it is they plan on doing with us. So, if it looks like we're trying to kill each other, they'll have to step in, and stop it. You see what I'm saying?"

"Kill you. Got it."

"No! _Pretend_ that you're going to kill me! You know, throw a few punches, snarl a few times, make it look like we're going to do each other in!"

"All right. It is totally not against my principles to hit a girl, so there shouldn't be a problem."

"Ummmm…yeah. Okay, make it look real!"

Snopps and his cell mate exchanged a flurry of blows. The fought and kicked, punched and blocked, bit and scratched, all faster than the eye could see. They went at super saiyan speeds, their blows causing the wind to whip all around them. There were loud booms as some of their punches broke the speed of sound. Suddenly, Snopps yelled as his hair turned gold, and grew really, really long.

"SUPER SAIYAN LEVEL THREE, MOTHA FUGGA!" he yelled, striking down the woman.

"What the hell!? Damn, I said _pretend_ to kill each other!" she yelled.

"Sorry, guess I got a little carried away" apologized Snopps.

Suddenly, the door swooshed open, and two aliens entered, brandishing pathetic wacky sticks. One of the aliens hit Snopps with one, sending electricity through him. Okay, pathetic _electric_ wacky sticks.

Snopps kicked one of the aliens in the nuts. It seemed to have no effect. He tried a second time. Still nothing.

"What the-are you wearing a cup?" asked Snopps before the alien zapped him, and he fell to the ground. The woman, after killing one of the aliens, rolled her eyes and finished off the second one.

"Good work, team!" yelled Snopps, jumping up.

"Ya mean, good work savin your ass…" grumbled the woman.

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Snopps, Percy, and their fellow abductee filed into the hallway.

"Well, let's take a look around, maybe the aliens left your gear somewhere nearby." Said the woman

"Listen, I don't know how they did it where you come from, but around here, everyone follows the Lone Wanderer." Said Snopps, the words Lone Wanderer once again accompanied by a random Choir.

"Yeah, we could do that, or…" said the woman, kicking Snopps in the happy sacks.

"Yeah," said Snopps, suddenly becoming a Soprano, "or we could follow you for a bit."

Our heroes took a quick look around, coming to a room filled with some sort of alien containers.

"Woah, what are those!? Some sort of alien nuke-a-ma-bob?" exclaimed Snopps in wonderment.

"They're…alien containers." Said the woman

"Containers of high-tech alien weaponry?" asked Snopps hopefully

"No…just…glorified boxes." She said, opening one up

"Right, I knew that." Said Snopps

"Hey, I think I found all your stuff." Said the woman, motioning towards one of the boxes

"Alright, here's the plan," said Snopps in his best authoritative voice, "we regroup with any other abductees, make our way to the bridge, and kill any alien sonuvabitch that tries to stop us! Now let's MOVE OUT!"

Snopps ran out the door, no one else making a move to follow him. Snopps walked back in, a sheepish grin on his face.

"I guess I should, uh, put my clothes back on first"

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There it is, chapter one! But first, a few explanations. My use of the overused and, (to some) offensive use of (slightly) sexist jokes is not meant to offend anyone. I've gotten in trouble with them in the past and, believe me, I've made sure to not use nearly as many. And the fact is that while Snopps is kind of sexist, he's also an idiot. So, he is easily overpowered by a strong female personality. So, he's kinda sexist, but kinda sucks at it. Trust me; he gets beat up by women…a lot. So again, no offense.

Hopefully, you liked the story so far; feel free to give me any feedback.


	2. The Rebellion is formed

And now, chapter 2 (because I felt you shouldn't have to wait.)

Fallout 3 is owned by Bethesda.

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Our heroes, Snoppolopigus Foofypants 3rd, Percival the Ripper, and…that woman (Snopps still hadn't learned her name) were-

"Hey, it's Somah!" yelled the woman (Somah)

What? How could you hear the narration?

"I just can, and I'm getting sick of never being called by my name, it's Somah!"

All right, all right, but this isn't really my fault. It's Snopps'; he's the one who never bothered to learn your name!

"Hey, you're right…" said Somah, turning to face Snopps

"Oh come one man, how could you do this to me! Bros before Hoes, man!" Snopps yelled at the ceiling.

What? I'm the narrator, you're not even supposed to be able to talk to me, let alone enter a verbal contract called "Bros before Hoes".

"Oh god, she's got that murderous look in her eye, quick! Something distract her from her womanly fury!" yelled Snopps piteously

Suddenly, an alien ran, buck naked, down the hallway, singing "Hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my ragtime gaaaaaaaaaallll!".

"Yeah, that'll do it." Said Snopps

******************

Our heroes, Snoppolopigus Foofypants 3rd, Percival the Ripper, and Somah, charged down the hallway, determined to escape the alien ship. Suddenly, they were faced by a line of alien guns.

"Oh Shizzyniggles!" yelled Snopps, "this don't look good! Don't worry gang; I'll get us out of this mess. I just need to use my Lone Wanderer bad-ass powers of-"

"Yeah, you can't do that" said Percy.

"What? Why the hell not?" demanded Snopps

"Causality Ratio. You've already bent the laws of space and time so much today, that if you bent them any more, the universe as we know it would collapse in on itself." Said Percy

"Oh, goddamn it, Percy!" Yelled Snopps

"What're you blaming me for? You're the one who wanted to have a threesome with Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox!" yelled Percy back

Snopps eyes lost their focus, "Yeah, but it was hot, wan'n it?"

The sight of an alien gun being pressed to his face did a lot to snap Snopps back to reality, oh, there goes gravity, oh, there goes Rabbit…oh! Sorry. Um, that was just a, never mind…

When faced with cold steel, and a very real chance of the loss of all his facial features, Snopps went into action mode. And, by that, I mean he started screaming like a little girl.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Snopps

Suddenly, the alien's head exploded!

"Hah! I guess I had one more in me" said Snopps

Another alien's head exploded, this time accompanied by the very distinct sound of a shotgun blast.

"Okay, I don't remember ordering that, but it was bad-ass, so it must have been me." Said Snopps

The final alien's head exploded.

"Oh-hee hee- oh my. I guess I don't know my limits." Said Snopps

While Snopps was busy flexing and patting himself on the back, Somah walked past him, smoke still streaming from the barrel of her combat shotgun.

"Idiot" she muttered.

******************

While they were going down the hallway, Somah spotted another abductee in a holding cell. It was a little girl.

"Hey, cool! Other humans!" the girl said, "Hey, can you let me out of this cell? All you need to do is shut off the coolant system on the generator down the hall, which should activate a chain reaction that-"

"Or, we could do this" said Snopps, shooting at the generator with his experimental mirv. All 8 mini nukes hit the generator, causing it to explode.

"So, what are you in for?" Snopps asked the little girl

"Oh, I was abducted a long time ago, back before the war-"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're over 200 years old, and still a little girl? That answers one question, yet raises so many others." Said Snopps

"Yeah, it's kind of a biomedical quandary that is neither addresses, nor explained." Said the little girl

"Dude, this little girl's kinda freakin me out." Said, Snopps, leaning close to who he thought was Somah.

"You realize you're talking to me, right?" said the little girl. Snopps jumped back hastily. "And my name is Sally. I've explored a lot of this alien ship, so, if you're nice to me, I will help you escape."

"Oh please, the Lone Wanderer does not need help from some little girl." Said Snopps, ducking into a random door. "…okay. I realize I just walked into a storage closet. But I just want you to know, that was intentional." Said Snopps

"Unlike your birth!" said Percy, laughing.

******************

Eventually, our heroes agreed to be helped by Sally, and they split up. Snopps, Percy, and Sally head on ahead, while Somah does, I don't know, girl stuff.

Snopps headed into the steam room, backed by Sally. Rounding a corner, Snopps was confronted by an alien holding a nasty-looking weapon. Quickly drawing his assault rifle, Snopps took aim and…was blasted in the face by an unlucky cloud of steam.

"Fuck in a crap-basket!" he yelled, firing wildly. Amazingly, one of the shots actually managed to hit the alien in the leg. His head then came off for no apparent reason. Satisfied by his work, Snopps took off down the next set of hallways.

Heading down a few more corridors, he was faced by what looked like unarmed alien workers.

"Don't hurt them, they mean you no harm." Said Sally over the speakers she was controlling.

"What? Oh, a little late for that." Said Snopps, drinking out of the alien-skull chalice he had fashioned form one of the unarmed workers skulls.

"Wow, you have issues…" said Sally.

Wandering down the hallways, Snopps eventually made his way to a room filled with several cryogenics tubes.

"Yeah, these are the sleeping people, I've always wanted to wake them up, but never got the chance." Said Sally

"Sweet jumpin' jelly beans! Where the hell did you come from?" shouted Snopps

"Oh you know, around." Said Sally, smiling

"You have officially surpassed clowns in the creep-o-meter." Said Snopps

Snopps then walked over to the control panel, and activated it. This started the thawing program in all the tubes. Several figures fell out of them including a Samurai, a cowboy, and an American soldier from the Great War. Snopps walked over to the Samurai first.

"連続したものの 第9番目 のもの" said the Samurai.

"Sweet plain Jane of abacus Maine! We've wandered into the Japanese version of Fallout 3!" exclaimed Snopps

"No we haven't, you idiot, he just-" Percy started

"Wait, where are all the scantily clad anime chicks? This is Japanese, after all."

"No it's not, it's just-"

"And why is his outfit so…utilitarian? Shouldn't it be more ridiculous and over-the-top?"

"That's because this ISN'T THE JAPANESE VERSION!" yelled Percy.

"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the samu-" said Snopps

"He's just a random samurai they decided to put into the game" said Percy

"Yeah, that's cool and all, but I can't understand a word he's saying. They should have made him…Russian or something! That would be way cooler! He'd have a big fur coat and one of those Russian hats, and his name would be Dmitri, and he would call everyone Comrade!" said Snopps

"Ya know, I want to argue, but…that would actually be pretty cool." Said Percy

"All right, it's settled, your name is now Dmitri!" Snopps told the Samurai

"Wait, before we do that, we should see how he feels about that." Said Percy

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, I don't speak Japanese, do you?" asked Snopps

"Well, actually, when they constructed my A.I., there was some left-over data in the drive."

"What kind of left-over data?" asked Snopps

"A translator program." Said Percy

"Wow, how convenient"

"Eh, the writer's lazy"

"Alright, well, what's he saying?" asked Snopps

"Give me a minute, and I'll tell you." Said Percy

Percy then started speaking to the Samurai in Japanese. The man responded hurriedly.

"Alright, he says…he says that, in his homeland, he was one of the noblest Samurai to serve his Shogun. He had wealth, land, and many, many women. But, one day, he was…walking along a field, when he sees a cow. It was…the most beautiful cow he had ever seen, and he immediately went over to it and…"

The Samurai made humping motions with his hips and laughed.

"Ew" said Snopps

"Yeah, I'm not going to translate that. I think you get the idea. Well, he says that, when he was done, a strange blue light descended on him, and lifted him up into this strange place."

"Okay. He has officially surpassed Sally on the creep-o-meter." Said Snopps. What about you?" he called to the cowboy.

"I got nothin' to say." He said

"Good man. Hey, what's your story?" he asked the American soldier.

"Elliot Terconium, serial number 22713." He said nervously

"…Dude, relax, I'm not an alien…or Chinese." Said Snopps

"I don't know, I don't know. Maybe you're an alien who just assumed human form to get information out of me!" he said

"That's just…stupid. Dude, relax, pop a chill pill, and tell me who you are." Said Snopps

"I'm private Elliot Terconium, United States Army. I was a medic stationed in Anchorage-"

"Ooh, so sorry, but that's all the back-story you get in this fanfic." Said Snopps

"Wait, but, I have more! Don't you want to know more about my squad?" Elliot asked

"Can't imagine why it wouldn't matter." Replied Snopps

"Alright everyone," Snopps said, giving a speech to all the human survivors, "today, is the day we take back our freedom! Today is the day we escape this ship and all the horrible memories it has left us with! We'll kill some aliens, have a few laughs, and I think we'll all be closer as friends at the end of it!" Percy translated quietly into Japanese. "Now, group hug everyone! C'mon, don't be shy, get in here! Group hug, guys, group hug! Ooh, except for you, Dmitri, you go sit in the corner."

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All right, chapter 2 down, approximately 5 chapters to go. Should get another one out soon, until then, see ya!


End file.
